Weekend Coffee Share – 4 weeks in

If we were having coffee this weekend, it would have to be in my family room, on the couch, because I’m still on bedrest. The good news is that means Baby Boy and I have made it another four weeks to 32 weeks, which is WAY better than 28. The bad news is I’M STILL SITTING ON THE COUCH. It’s making me a little batty.

Truthfully, I feel a bit emotional. My husband would remind me now that I’ve always been an emotional person, and it’s true. But I feel all tangled up. I can be surrounded by my family but feel lonely at the same time, or be busy reading lots of books and blogging about them and feel bored at the same time. I feel proud of myself for resting for the sake of my baby and guilty at the same time that I’m not able to do more for my three girls or my wonderful husband. I’m thankful for the support of my employer and worried at the same time that I’ve caused them such a headache by being out of work. Everyone tells me “oh don’t feel guilty, don’t feel bad, you’re doing what you need to do.” And it’s true – I am. And I appreciate that feedback. I’m taking care of myself and my son (which, btw, after three girls still feels weird to say!). But that doesn’t negate the other emotions. I try not to dwell on them, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in lots of years of therapy it’s that ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist is worse: I need to feel them, acknowledge them, and move on. So, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I’d also mention two other things (aside from the fact that I haven’t actually HAD coffee in over a month…and I’ve just started wanting it in the last few days. weird). First, it would be that I’m also emotional about things outside the bedrest situation, particularly the current abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. I’ve cried about it at least once, spent lots of time thinking about it and reading about. What I haven’t done is pray about it, which I’m realizing as I type… I feel immeasurable sadness. Disappointment. Distrust. But at the same time I haven’t lost my faith in or love for the Church, and that sometimes feels hard to square. I’m not angry; a lot of people are and I get that. I think I feel mostly grief.

Lastly, I would tell you that today, August 19th, is mine and my husband’s twelfth wedding anniversary! We are celebrating in style, on the couch (ha!). There’s nothing out of the ordinary to mark the day except the constant knowledge that despite our youth and naivete about the world (though we wouldn’t have admitted it at the time), at the young ages of 21 and 22, twelve years ago today we made the best decision of our lives and married each other. Life is a crazy road, and we just commented this morning that we couldn’t have ever pictured where we are right now – but I am perpetually grateful that I have him by my side to navigate this crazy train. Love is a beautiful thing 🙂

(Weekend Coffee Share is hosted by Eclectic Alli – check out the other posts this weekend and add one of your own!)

Book Review: Twenty-One Trees by Linda Cousine

30331041I honestly can’t remember how I acquired Twenty-One Trees by Linda Cousine, but I do remember devouring it pretty quickly! I think it was another I “bought for free” on Amazon after seeing it advertised on Twitter. I have a book-hoarding problem, and I know it. At least e-books don’t take up space in my house…the books are getting displaced by children!

In any case, it’s a story of a husband and wife, Birdy (James) and Savannah Johnson and the path their lives and the lives of their four children take after Savannah ends up with dissociative amnesia; her memory of the past seven years–their entire marriage–is completely gone, and the last she remembers is being a rich beauty-pageant star engaged to her high-school boyfriend. She has no recollection of marrying Birdy, of having had their four children, or that they were quite poor.

I have to be honest and say that I didn’t particularly care for Savannah. I found her spoiled and selfish and sometimes just downright mean. As the story unfolds, however, I gained a respect for her efforts to embrace motherhood and a greater empathy as more is revealed about her past; I certainly can understand her battles with post-partum depression. Birdy is an admirable character and so often I thought that Savannah didn’t deserve his love and devotion.

It becomes clear, however, that they are both broken people (who isn’t, really?), doing their best to live life while accounting for the burdens of their pasts. Ultimately the book is a story of love and life; of how adulthood brings unforeseen challenges in life; of how important personal growth and emotional well-being are for the health and strength of a marital relationship. It’s not a “light” romance by any means, but I would definitely call it a realistic love story.

The story is well-crafted and I was very invested in the outcome, despite my dislike for Savannah. Overall, I’d say I liked it, not loved it, but it’s worth a read if you’re up for something that’s often emotionally heavy but speaks to the power of enduring love. I’d also be up for reading another of Linda’s books in the future!

4 stars!

Book Review: American Wolf by Nate Blakeslee

41078131 American Wolf by Nate Blakeslee is the most recent read in my effort to get through all the books I irresponsibly got via NetGalley last year and never read. Essentially, it’s the story of the wolf in America, focusing on “recent” events since the reintroduction of wolves to Yellowstone National Park in 1995. The book follows the lives of the wolves, as chronicled by a handful of avid (or obsessed?) wolf-watchers in the park over many years, as well as the political, cultural, and societal factors that impact wolves’ survival in the American West.

The most gripping parts of the book are Blakeslee’s reporting on the life of O-Six, a female wolf born in 2006 in the park. He succeeds in telling a gripping story of life and survival for wolves as they face both natural and man-made threats. It reads almost like a novel, and definitely paints a vivid picture of wolf society. I learned so much about wolves, the evolution of individual wolf packs, and the social interactions of what are clearly very intelligent and emotional animals.

Woven into the story is the political, societal, and legal context in which the wolf reintroduction and population management unfolded. It was interesting to read about the events through the 2000s and to understand how events I lived through (sequestration and the 2011 threat of a government shutdown, followed by an actual shutdown in 2013) impacted things across the country. It’s disturbing and yet unsurprising, especially having lived my entire adult life in the DC area, to read of the political nonsense–riders circumventing legal protections for wolves tacked on last minute to a must-pass spending bill in 2011, for example.

I couldn’t help but root for the wolves as I read the book, while I understand the legitimate concerns of residents of areas surrounding Yellowstone as they coped with rising wolf populations. I’m glad I read the book, and sorry it took me so long to actually pick it up to read. I give the book 4 stars, only subtracting one because I feel it starts out a little slowly and took some effort to get into. Persevere, though! It’s worth it!

4 stars!